Ever since I started doing yoga every day (and sometimes twice a day) about two years ago, I have done my best to say “no” to alcohol whenever possible. I have a relatively drunk personality so I was often able to go to bars and not be called out as the sober person. But even though no one else noticed, I was definitely missing out on certain life-changing experiences such as dancing on furniture and finishing other people’s martinis while they aren’t looking.
Then, as it turned out, in addition to everything else that ended in June, (job, apartment, boyfriend) I also ended up breaking up with my yoga studio. Thankfully, being more social, less tied down and living in a new apartment that was closer to places I might want to stumble home from made it possible for me to fill my time with a great new hobby: drinking.
I thought, there are many paths to enlightenment, right? Why not give it a try?
After substituting drinking for yoga for roughly six weeks now, all I have to say is: People, have you tried drinking? Let me tell you, it’s amazing! So, pour yourself a vodka soda, sit back, relax, and enjoy….
The Top 10 Reasons Why Drinking is the New Yoga
10. If you become friends with your yoga teacher, you might learn more about their past then you ever wanted to know. If you become friends with your bartender, you might learn more about their past than you ever wanted to know – and get free shots.
9. You can eat pizza after drinking and at no point will you be thinking, “Well. I just erased all the health benefits of binge-drinking by eating this pizza.”
8. You will never feel guilty if you’re tired and decide to skip drinking.
7. If you meet a guy in Yoga class, he might tell you that he envisions you as a bud, bound by unseen knots in your heart that he hopes to untie by offering you bodily awareness and access to your breath — so you can bloom and grow into a beautiful flower. If you meet a guy while drinking, he definitely will not say that.
6. When you’re drinking and do crazy yoga poses, everyone thinks you are awesome. When you’re in yoga and you do crazy poses….oh wait. You don’t. You’re not drunk enough.
5. If you wear $90 dollar pants to yoga class, you are participating in the consumer take-over of yoga. If you wear $90 pants to drinking, your pants still cost 1/2 of what every other girl in the Marina paid for hers.
4. You might have to wait years before you really start to feel the effects of yoga. If you’re drinking, you can combine a shot and a beer and start to feel the effects right away.
3. If you lose your balance while you’re doing yoga, you have to consciously reaffirm your self worth. If you lose your balance while you’re drinking, but don’t spill your whole drink, multiple people will cheer for you.
2. When yoga starts getting competitive, everybody loses. When drinking starts getting competitive, at least one team at the beer pong table wins.
1. If you write blog posts about yoga, your friends will tell you that they are bored. If you write blog posts about drinking your friends will think they are soo funny and soo brilliant and soo ammazzzing. As long as they read them at Happy Hour.