How to Gain 15 Pounds Without Trying

As we approach the holiday season and everyone suddenly becomes desperate to get thinner and fend off turkey, pie, and merriment-induced alcohol binges, there are sure to be hundreds of articles advising people on how to lose 15 pounds.

I thought: maybe there are some people out there who would like to gain 15 pounds. (For example, the family member who needs to dress up as Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.) Where are the articles for them? As an expert on this very subject, I felt it was my duty to step up to the plate. Here are some tips on:

How to Gain 15 Pounds Without Trying– or Noticing It!

  • Treat certain foods as though they have zero calories. These foods might include tortilla chips that are broken, food that you didn’t pay for, food that you ate while drinking a diet soda, and/or trail mix.
  • If you hear or see someone else at the office eating, take this as a cue to eat. Try some of what they’re eating, and then remember that you brought your own food. Eat that, too.
  • Start standing up at your desk and find out how many extra calories this burns a day. Eat at least that many calories per hour while you are at work.
  • Whenever you eat peanut butter, eat a spoonful of it plain in addition to whatever you are spreading it on (such as apples, celery, or a waffle.) Eat peanut butter every day.
  • Talk incessantly about how you are going to start doing Pilates. Talk about it so much that you sort-of-kind-of actually think you are doing Pilates. After all, according to the book jacket, you can do these exercises at your desk without interrupting your work flow. Maybe you did them and just forgot!
  • Believe your mother when she says, “It’s not emotional eating! You actually burn more calories when you’re stressed.”
  • Keep the air conditioning on very high at your office, so that you are painfully cold at all times. Eat constantly to generate heat, and wear lots of layers of clothing (ideally bulky sweaters) so that neither you nor anyone else will notice your ever-expanding figure.
  • Realize that walking across the street to get lunch is a waste of valuable time and start bringing food to work. To avoid feeling deprived because you don’t get to ask, “what will I have for lunch today?” bring lots of options. Eat all your options.
  • Donuts. Just eat them.
  • Prepare for the possibility that you might have to skip lunch by drinking lots of calories in the morning (juice, protein shakes, soda, and coffee with cream and sugar are all good choices.) Never actually skip lunch.
  • When you run into problems that seem like they have no solution, consider that food may be the solution. If the first food you try doesn’t work, try a different food. If that food doesn’t work- don’t get discouraged! The chewing motion in your jaw might open up new passageways in your brain. (Note: chewing gum does not count.)
  • Joke constantly about how much you eat. You and everyone else will think you are only joking about how much you eat.
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6 thoughts on “How to Gain 15 Pounds Without Trying

  1. @miconian I know! I've come a long way. But there's always time to write the “How to Convince Yourself Mustard is a Food Group” post, right?

    Reply
  2. O, RB! I read this well after the holidays just now and laughed my head off. This is absolutely great and one of the funniest things I read in all 2010….but I didn't read it in 2010; I read it in 2011, so it is the funniest thing I read in all 2011.

    Reply

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