What’s Hilarious About Moving to San Francisco?

So, to make a long story short, my new job is relocating me to San Francisco and yesterday I bought a one-way ticket for 15 days from now to move out there permanently. I’m going to get off the airplane and go directly to meet our PR firm for a strategy meeting, and then go to a company retreat in wine country.

I don’ t know where I will live, or even where I will put my bags when I get off the airplane. I don’t any of the people I’ll be meeting, and I have no idea which of the JetBlue snacks I’m going to select on the flight over, or what TV channels will available. In short: many unknowns.

Normally, people fear the unknown. This is a healthy fear that protects us from wandering off into the woods without our fellow tribe members or eating berries we’ve never tried before or going to plays that haven’t been reviewed by the New York Times.

That’s why when someone told me yesterday that I needed to update my blog, I told her I couldn’t. I said, “C’mon! What’s hilarious about moving to San Francisco? Nothing!” But she said I should give it a try, so here goes.

What’s Hilarious About A Shotgun Move to San Francisco?

1. You can tell your friends that you’re going to be so busy, you won’t have any time to have feelings. Given that you are the most emotional person any of your friends know, this notion is totally laughable.

Yoga Teacher: So, do you have a significant other that you need to move out there with you?
Me: No. Well…yes. Teddy.
Yoga Teacher: So..your Teddy bear?
Me: Yeah. It shouldn’t be that difficult to get him out.
Yoga Teacher: Plus, I guess he doesn’t really have a choice?

3. No apartment, No Plan, No Friends, No Problem sounds almost as good as No iPod, No Job, No Boyfriend, No Problem.

4. Your grandma is going to think you still live in New York, because you and your mom and your aunt are all too afraid to tell her that you’re moving.

5. You’re going to be meeting all your new coworkers for the first time jet-lagged, in wine country. If this isn’t comical, it’s going to be tragical…so…fingers crossed.

6. You’re going to be living in a state where Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor.

7. Pot is legal in California. Everything is hilarious when you are high. (Including this somewhat strained list.)

8. You get to describe all the romantic prospects in your life as #SummerCampRomance material, or #SummerCampRomanceFAIL.

9. You will need to quickly adapt from your voraciously sarcastic environment in the New York office to life in a city that is home to a vegan restaurant called Cafe Gratitude. “I Am Cherished” Cheesecake? I don’t think so.

Woman at book party: How does your family feel about the move?
Me: Well, they’re acting like I died–twice.
Woman: Ha! I know the feeling. When I left New York, my family was hysterical.
Me: Yeah, it’s bad, they’re either crying, giving me the silent treatment, planning monthly visits or ignoring the whole thing. They’re not thrilled.
Woman: Wow! Crazy…Died twice. That’s funny. You must be Jewish, right?
Me: Yeah..exactly.
Woman: What will they do when you get married?
Me: They’ve done everything in their power to make sure that never happens, so it’s not really a concern.
Woman: Haha! You’re definitely Jewish.


13 thoughts on “What’s Hilarious About Moving to San Francisco?

  1. Have to say, if my job told me I had to relocate to San Francisco, I'd be downright thrilled!

    Probably because it is one of the only places in the world where I have an abundance of friends. There, and in the middle of no-where's-ville, Thailand. The third most concentrated population of people who could be described as my friends live in Sydney. That's right, I live nowhere near most of my good friends…

    Anyways, congrats on the move?? I *hope* you think it's a good thing (except for the ex-bf thing…).

    And, if you want to meet some of my SF friends (warning: mostly hippie west coast yogi types based in Berkley/Oakland) then let me know and I'll point you in their direction 😉

  2. Hmmm when are you going to tell Grandma!! I almost did last night…..it would be a good thing to tell her before you moved:D.

    Love you Darling!

  3. The retreat alone should be filled with great stories to blog about. Of course, you'll be too tired to actually write them down probably.

  4. Thanks for the hearty chuckle; I loved the post. Fresh back in NYC last night after several days in San Francisco, and experiencing reverse culture shock. Two great cities book-ending this wild and woolly wonder we call 'merica. “Normally, people fear the unknown…” But reading your blog, your personal tweets, your vook tweets suggests that you, Ms. Balik, are not at all part of “normal”. Paranormal maybe!?!? So the twinge of fear will abate for sure once the bacchanal begins, the high of spring/summer/fall in SF sweeps you off your feet, and your doting grandmother drops in for a visit. And I suspect that every eligible Bay Area bachelor is already lining up at SFO to welcome you! Good luck, Rachel.

  5. In no particular order, my response:

    You ARE cherished. By me–not a cheesecake, although I am going to make you go to Cafe Gratitude because whatever I got with you was delicious. Pot is not legal yet, but it's going to be. Does family count as friends? Yes. I have two apartments right now, so don't worry.

    P.S. During the time span of one rave and one bluegrass night, more men fell in love with you than most girls in san francisco could ever expect in a year.
    P.P.S. The Sun Gods (and myself) depend on you to bring it.
    P.P.P.S. Feel free to delete this. Can't wait to see you.


  6. Tonight I have caught up at your blog. Geez, was I ever behind! You just get this new job and they transfer you to San Francisco? Did they mention it in the interview? Wow! What a transition for you. I don't remember who came up with that list to gauge stress according to “life-change units” – but you would rank way high in those things right now. Still, it's very exciting. 🙂


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