So, to make a long story short, my new job is relocating me to San Francisco and yesterday I bought a one-way ticket for 15 days from now to move out there permanently. I’m going to get off the airplane and go directly to meet our PR firm for a strategy meeting, and then go to a company retreat in wine country.
I don’ t know where I will live, or even where I will put my bags when I get off the airplane. I don’t any of the people I’ll be meeting, and I have no idea which of the JetBlue snacks I’m going to select on the flight over, or what TV channels will available. In short: many unknowns.
Normally, people fear the unknown. This is a healthy fear that protects us from wandering off into the woods without our fellow tribe members or eating berries we’ve never tried before or going to plays that haven’t been reviewed by the New York Times.
That’s why when someone told me yesterday that I needed to update my blog, I told her I couldn’t. I said, “C’mon! What’s hilarious about moving to San Francisco? Nothing!” But she said I should give it a try, so here goes.
What’s Hilarious About A Shotgun Move to San Francisco?
1. You can tell your friends that you’re going to be so busy, you won’t have any time to have feelings. Given that you are the most emotional person any of your friends know, this notion is totally laughable.
Yoga Teacher: So, do you have a significant other that you need to move out there with you?
Me: No. Well…yes. Teddy.
Yoga Teacher: So..your Teddy bear?
Me: Yeah. It shouldn’t be that difficult to get him out.
Yoga Teacher: Plus, I guess he doesn’t really have a choice?
3. No apartment, No Plan, No Friends, No Problem sounds almost as good as No iPod, No Job, No Boyfriend, No Problem.
4. Your grandma is going to think you still live in New York, because you and your mom and your aunt are all too afraid to tell her that you’re moving.
5. You’re going to be meeting all your new coworkers for the first time jet-lagged, in wine country. If this isn’t comical, it’s going to be tragical…so…fingers crossed.
6. You’re going to be living in a state where Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor.
7. Pot is legal in California. Everything is hilarious when you are high. (Including this somewhat strained list.)
8. You get to describe all the romantic prospects in your life as #SummerCampRomance material, or #SummerCampRomanceFAIL.
9. You will need to quickly adapt from your voraciously sarcastic environment in the New York office to life in a city that is home to a vegan restaurant called Cafe Gratitude. “I Am Cherished” Cheesecake? I don’t think so.
Woman at book party: How does your family feel about the move?
Me: Well, they’re acting like I died–twice.
Woman: Ha! I know the feeling. When I left New York, my family was hysterical.
Me: Yeah, it’s bad, they’re either crying, giving me the silent treatment, planning monthly visits or ignoring the whole thing. They’re not thrilled.
Woman: Wow! Crazy…Died twice. That’s funny. You must be Jewish, right?
Woman: What will they do when you get married?
Me: They’ve done everything in their power to make sure that never happens, so it’s not really a concern.
Woman: Haha! You’re definitely Jewish.