No Negotiating With Terrorists

This blog post has been in the works for a few weeks now, and the person who inspired it has requested that it be posted. That was very exciting for me, because lately all I’ve been hearing is, “if you put me on your blog one more time you’re disowned” and the like.

Now, because this is a rambling blog, and not a political blog, this post will not have anything to do with actual terrorists. Some people I’m very close with have said they would only read my blog if I wrote about politics. Now, I’ve done a lot of soul searching this summer, and while I avow that I do care about politics, the only kind of politics I will write about is the kind where I manipulate you into giving me something I want. C’est la Vie.

However, before we all lose respect for my intelligence completely, I will say that this blog post does involve metaphor. You see, this blog post is about metaphorical terrorists. The kind you get in romantic relationships with because you think they are smart, beautiful, loving and are telling the truth when they say they’ve adhered to nuclear disarmament regulations.

However, through extended observations of myself and my friends, I’ve noticed that not all the people we date are playing by NATO rules. Now, theoretically, this is fine. Most international peace-keeping bodies are vaguely inept, anyway, and dating the rebel just means you’re open-minded and really cool.

However, sometimes, in all relationships, international relations get hostile. Fights happen. Communication is necessary. My mom, a very wise woman who is professionally trained in these matters, has always told me that the key to knowing you have a good relationship is whether you can “rupture and repair.” But the thing is, if you are dating a totally irrational human being, you can’t repair. You will get in the same fight over and over again. They’ll say things like:

1) This is all your fault.
2) Why do you always…
3) I can’t listen to you.
4) I can’t have this conversation with you anymore.
5) We’re having X fight because YOU have Y problem….
6) I just can’t X if you’re going to keep Y
7) I only X because you Y. Everything I do is actually your fault.
8) If you hadn’t said that, I’d be happy, global warming would stop and dinosaurs would roam the earth in peace.

If a person is saying these things to you, there is no way to argue with them. When my friends have these problems (I don’t have these problems, because I can’t get close enough to anyone to get in a fight at all) I tell them: no negotiating with terrorists! At a certain point, if someone is really not listening to anything to you say, they really are the emotional equivalent of a terrorist. You cannot ask your friends England and Canada and France about how to deal with them. You must wait for them to come to their senses.

Some terrorists will never come to their senses. This is when you are dating a legitimately crazy person. This is basically a Unabomber type-terrorist, who has an entire manifesto on everything that is wrong with you and the world and sounds mildly intelligent, expect that he/she wants to blow stuff up. There is a good chance that he/she hopes to “solve problems” by blowing you up. If your partner is very unhappy, very stubborn, very destructive, or bipolar, you are negotiating with a terrorist. Don’t do it. One day, you’ll be looking at his/her house in the FBI section of the Newseum.

The same goes for dealing with an Osama Bin Laden type of terrorist. You know…the kind of terrorist who hides out in a secret cave and makes you and all your friends England, Canada, France obsess about where to find him and when he will send out communication next? Well, even though this person is a cave-dweller, he/she is still a terrorist. And if you are constantly wondering how to find her/him, you are still negotiating with a terrorist, but it’s even worse, because at the end of the day, you’re really just talking to yourself. He/She already obliterated two of your buildings. Just take a deep breath, and focus on repairing your country’s infrastructure instead of starting expensive wars and enduring two recessions.

Whatever kind of terrorist you’re dealing with, it is important to not to try to reason with him/her on his/her level. If you or one of your friends is negotiating with a terrorist, be a Republican for a day. Just stop.

See. I do kind of know about politics. Now if I could just manipulate you into giving me what I want…

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2 thoughts on “No Negotiating With Terrorists

  1. i'm glad you did post this article… i think that sometimes the terrorists you speak of doesn't realize the wide-ranging effects of their actions. cause if they did, i'm sure they would check in their weapons and resolve to be a pacifist for the rest of their lives. i mean really, who needs terrorists? there are enough problems in the world with povery, unemployment, war, and teletubbies.

    Reply
  2. And always remember that the words “always” and “never” should never be included in a discussion (aka 'argument') with the emo-terrorist.

    And, always never let them say that you're not listening (aka, 'not hearing') them when all you're doing is not agreeing with them. There's a big difference.

    Reply

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