As noted in the “How to Survive a Layoff” Feature, when you are laid off, your blog is your “calling card.” (says the Scobleizer). You’re supposed to use it to “demonstrate the skills you have.” But I’ve also heard that you’re allowed to take a few days after your layoff to re-group. So starting tomorrow, I will be a “freelance writer/social media professional.” I will write a post in which I reveal to the world my ideas about monetizing content. I will not mention the word lay-off again. I will take a hiatus from discussing “anxiety.” But this post is like the blog’s Bachelor party, a post in which we do things like take shots, go to strip clubs and engage in overly self-deprecating, slightly disparaging humor.
10 Reasons It’s Great to Be Laid Off
10. You can immediately apprentice yourself to your old Yoga teacher, who will begin your first class at her studio by saying, “A life without obligation is a life of truth.”
9. You can ask your roommates important questions you’ve been putting off, such as, “How do you turn on our T.V?”
8. You can slow down your anxiety attacks. Previously, anxiety attacks were high pressure situations in which you had to cram all the anxiety you wanted into an alloted period before you began the anxiety-provoking task. Post lay-off, you’ll have the freedom to take your anxiety attacks at a leisurely pace, possible demoting them to the status of “continuous, low-grade episodes of unease.”
7. You can give in to your inner insomniac. After all, what do you really have to go to bed for, anyway?
6. You can make statements such as, “my goals for the week are to find a place that will give me free highlights,” and no one will correct you to say that is only one goal, not “goals” plural.
5. It’s predicted that by the end of 2009, two million people will totally copy you by getting laid-off themselves, and imitation is the greatest form of flattery.
4. You can realize that not just work, but also relationships are important. You can react by demanding, late in evening after your lay-off, that your ex-Sig Oth take you back. When he refuses and sends you packing on the G-train, you can meet an extremely wise person named Frank while crying over your fate. You have so much fun blogging about it that you determine the Internet is better than people, after all.
3. Realizing that all the beer and tickets to sporting events in the world will not help you win your ex-Sig-Oth back, your father will generously stand up and do something even better. He will call you from the Apple store to say, “You want Red, so it gives money to breast cancer, right?” And even when you snap back, “Not breast cancer! Aids in Africa!” he will still get a you a new Nano.
2. You can expand your mind at parties by thinking of questions to ask people other than, “What do you do?” Through trial and error, you can discover that, “Is that shirt from American Apparel?” actually yields fruitful conversation, but, “does your face always get that red when you drink?” does not.
1. You can stare at the computer for as long as you need to after realizing that you can only think of 9, not 10 reasons why it’s great to be laid-off. After all, good things come to those who wait.