I’ve been writing a few articles about death lately, so the subject is on my mind. Then I started to realize that no one reads my Twitter posts. THEN, while participating in the Bumble and Bumble U. modeling project last night, the woman cutting my hair (yes, with a sharp scissors and wielding the power to give me really choppy bangs) announced that she’d received a call from home saying her good friend had committed suicide. Her eyes looked really blue and beautiful from crying. But she was holding a scissors! In any case, since death is clearly on my brain, I thought I’d offer:
Top 10 Reasons Not to Die Today
10. It’s so hard to get motivated in February. Plus it’s cold! It’d be more fun to stay home and watch a movie.
9. If I died, my Facebook profile would live on. I spend enough time on the Web that I already feel like social bookmarking owns my life. Since I’m still alive, there’s hope to reclaim it. If I died, Facebook actually would own my life.
8. I still have yet to type the CAPTCHA text on Digg perfectly the first time. If there is an afterlife, that’s not a nagging feeling of regret I want to have for all eternity
7. I would never again have the joy of watching people’s discomfort when I say, “Don’t worry, I’m kidding! I’m of Russian descent, so it’s my birthright to be consumed with thoughts of death, dying, vodka and Faberge eggs.”
6. Jade Goody got a television deal and 2 million dollars out of her death. If that talentless freak can get a television deal before the age of 28, then so can this talentless freak.
5. If I died, my roommates would be stuck in an endless conversation about the corner of the living room I failed to dust when it was my turn to clean. They clearly have lives to lead, and it would just be wrong to force them to have just one conversation on repeat for the next 60-90 years. (Depending on how Universal Health Care turns out.)
4. I have spent the last 5 years trying to save as much money as I possibly can. The San Francisco Chronicle has spent the last EIGHT years losing money. I don’t want to die before the San Francisco Chronicle, right?
3. My loved ones would be left with a half-functional Macbook. Would they throw it out? Sell it? Use it? It’d certainly be hard to sell, or use, but wasteful to throw out. Would it be revered as one of my most beloved possessions, or shunned as something that annoyed the heck out of me. (Note to family: If anything terrible happens to me, please smash my MacBook a la Office Space. It will be fun, I promise.)
2. One day, someone WILL read something I put on Twitter, God Damnit. Not today, but I’m waiting.
1. I want to Stumble 5000 sites. There are so many cute pictures of animals out there, and I want to see them all: