Finding Enlightenment

I had to fight my dad to borrow his laptop. We’re at a hotel in Wisconsin and he wanted to watch Lost and I wanted to keep stumbling. No seriously. It’s sick. Luckily, it wasn’t hard to convince him to that he was more drunk than I was, and while I was sure to find something awesome like the image above, he’d probably fall asleep while watching Lost.

Yes…it’s been a long day, one that will surely make you wish that you were in my “Full House” of a family. We’re here in Madison for my brother’s graduation, and that means that I finally get to be witness to the debauchery that ensues when my parents double date. In short, I’m accepting proposals, because, you want to be in my family.

The evening started like an Jewish orthodox Sabbath service. The men and the women separated. My mother, my step-mother and I went shopping. My dad, my pseudo-step-dad, and my brother disappeared.

“I wonder why they haven’t told us where they went!” My mom exclaimed.
“It’s a man thing,” I told her. “They just don’t call.”
But eventually they did call to let us know they were at the bar at Copa Cabana. Where better to be at 6pm on a snowy Wisconsin Saturday night?

When we met them there, they each had a glass of scotch and a beer. Not their first. “How does it feel to go shopping with two moms instead of one?” My brother wanted to know. “You must feel so lucky.”

And I do. Multiple times throughout the night Patrick yelled at me: “You better blog about this!” But unfortunately, that’s pretty much most of what I remember. Yes…by 8:30, my entire immediate family, divorced parents, significant others etc. had been dumped into a snow drift by my brother who flung himself in with them out of “solidarity.” They all made snow angels and there are photographs to prove it.

I remained unscathed, until we were walking to dinner and I started to say to my dad, “I’m so glad you guys got divorced, because this is way more fu-” and he grabbed me and tossed me in.

The lesson? You may fear snow drifts, divorce, awkwardness, graduation, having your parents call your ex during dinner because they like him more than you, or hearing your dad mumble, “water bad…bed niiiice” while you’re trying to get him rehydrate and to go to dinner.

But of all these things you may fear, I can assure you: the snow drifts are not as cold as you might think.

P.S My dad and Patrick asked for a re-cap of “Men Becoming More Like Women.”

Patrick: You WROTE this????
Dad: I’m getting nauseous. Is that wrong?
Me: It’s ok.
Dad: But there must something Obama can do to this fix this? Isn’t he supposed to fix everything?


3 thoughts on “Finding Enlightenment

  1. I’m so in love with your blog right now. I’m also noticing a kinship between you and David Sedaris. I’m thinking that some day you’ll be writing books just as hilarious as his. Have fun in Wisconsin!

  2. An ex of mine was Jewish and I learned a lot. It was something really new to me and I took learning about his family, his religion–everything. But later on, I told him if him and I ever got really serious, I was NOT converting.


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