Remedies for Premature Aging

I went through this phase in college where I stopped going out. I distinctly remember a few nights when I would settle down with tea and sweatshirt on Friday night to do some artsy yet blatantly bleak activity like make abstract watercolors or read Jung. (Let’s find out which mythic archetype I am embodying with this self-inflicted solitude…)

Now, I think this kind of behavior is OK in college, when you actually can still convince people you are kind of cool and artsy and also go out the next weekend and wash all memory of how alternative you were out of your mind. But this weekend it dawned on me: Not only I am not a partier, but I’m also not really that artsy. I’m just OLD.

The people who have helped me realize the reality of this sad fact are my downstairs neighbors. They just moved in, and they’re really young. The run around their apartment blasting terrible music and not wearing pants. I know this because last week when I went down with tea, in slippers, to ask them to turn it down, a girl turned opened the door wearing nothing but a big oxford shirt and threw her arms around me: “You’re tall too! Yeah Tall girls! Haha..I’m not wearing pants. Hi! I’m Mary.”

Not only are the neighbs ebullient and pantless, but for some, I-Live-A-Old-Brooklyn-Walk-Up reason, they have total control of the heat. Now, if they ever want to me to be “happy” and join them in their raucous, pantless enthusiasm, they’re going to have to turn the heat up. I have been sleeping in TWO pairs of pants and three sweaters. Let me be the first to say that excessive layers do zero to improve one’s mood.

But let me get to the point. How do I really know I’m old?

1) Yesterday, my dad, my brother Cliff Notes, my Good Friend (hitherto my GF) and I went to see Speed The Plow on Broadway. (more on that later.) I was explaing to My GF about the neighbors.

“I am furious. I am thinking of writing a note asking them if they understand how a themostat works. I mean, do or they not get that the point of a themostat is that they don’t turn it down. IT’S SELF-REGULATING! Would that be rude?” {PAUSE} “Well. I don’t care if it is rude. They’re stupid. They just graduated college. They might even still be IN college.”

That’s when the Mini Wicked Witch sitting on my shoulder cackled and said, “Haha. You made fun of people for being in college. You’re old.”

2) It gets worse. Late on Sunday night, the neighbs were blasting their music. It was All-American Rejects. (The fact that I’m able to identify that precludes me from further mockery, but I think I’ve made my case.) I was too lazy to go down. So I took my BPA-laden Naglene bottle, leaned over and banged it on the floor several times. The music stopped. For one moment I was pleased. Then I realized I was banging on the floor to get people to be quiet. I am OLD.

It’s been a rough morning, with me feeling like I am one step away from becoming the woman in that picture. Then I remember that I just wrote 6 Sites For Beauty Bargains. I am determined that even if I have a heinous personality, I will not have wrinkles. And with the money I save, I might even have a retirement fund.


One thought on “Remedies for Premature Aging

  1. There are some cures that are usually harsh: changing the lifestyle, changing or following a diet or body detoxification. It is very important that we reduce stress factors. Taking herbs to prevent premature aging is quite popular both in herbal medicine and in traditional one.————Nickysam< HREF="" REL="nofollow">Viral Marketing<>


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